


I Know What It's Like

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: Depression, F/M, Reader-Insert, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Warnings: Suicidal thoughts. If you are having any of these kids of thoughts please talk to someone you love or call 1-800-273-8255 for confidential help.Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	I Know What It's Like

“I’m good, babe,” she said. Her tight-lipped smile said otherwise, but Spencer didn’t push it. His beautiful wife was different lately; he couldn’t tell how, but he wasn’t going to say anything just yet. “I’m just going to go and grab the file from work that I need and I’ll be back. Okay?”

Spencer leaned down, trying to convey through a kiss how much he loved her and how much he wanted her to open up to him. She was withdrawn. Her brightened smile now dampened by some kind of cloud he couldn’t identify. Her former style of dress, sunny and bright, turned more covered up, spending her life at home in the same pair of pajamas for days on end. It worried him. He knew the signs; he’d lived them. While he still saw the beautiful woman he married behind her tired gaze, the woman walking around their apartment wasn’t her. 

As she left, he gave her a wave and a silent ‘I love you.’

Heaviness enveloped him as the door closed. It had been this way for months. His normally heavy-sleeping wife tossed and turned constantly. Her mood swings had intensified like a violent storm rumbling in the distance. She didn’t come out with his friends anymore. She’d become a shell of her former self. And he was so scared. Without thinking, he went into their room and pulled a container out from under the bed. He’d never thought about reading her diary before, but he was at a loss for what to do. Even if she hated him for reading it, he had to do something. 

Looking around the room, he flipped his fingers over the pages of her diary, apprehensively turning the pages and scanning the entries within. As he got about halfway through the pages, his breath caught in his throat. The entry was from six months earlier – and he hadn’t even noticed a difference in his wife until three months ago. How could he not have known? 

I don’t know why I feel like this. I have everything anyone could want. I have a job I love, a husband who loves me more than anything in the world, a husband other women would kill to have. I have it all. And yet I’m sad. I don’t understand.

As Spencer continued to flip the through the pages, his heart began to feel like it was being constricted by cement. He audibly gasped at another passage. She’d written it while he was here…in bed, asleep at her side. 

I woke up crying this morning. Why? I can’t even remember. I just woke up with tears streaming down my face, so I picked up my journal to start writing. Spencer is sitting right here. He’s asleep. I don’t want to wake up – worry him. He’s got enough to worry about with work. I shouldn’t add onto it. He once told me he knew what it was like to be afraid of your own mind. At the time, I didn’t truly understand. Now I do. I’m really scared.

“Oh god,” he choked out, placing the book open on their bed after his tears had stained the pages. He tried in vain to wipe the tears from his eyes, but they kept flowing. Could he read anymore? He already felt like his heart was being ripped to shreds, but he had to see had badly his wife was hurting. He was convinced it was the only way to help her.

Picking up the diary once more, he flipped to the most recent entries. …She wanted to kill herself…

“Baby, why won’t you talk to me?” He muttered to himself. “I love you…”

I love him so much. I want to die…I can feel it in my bones, but if I do I’m leaving him. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to wake up one morning and have my body cold at his side. He doesn’t deserve to come home from a case that’s already taken so much out of him to find my body lying limply in the bathroom…but I want to die. Am I selfish for wanting to die? When so many people in the world have it worse than I do, why should I feel like I want to die??? But I can’t. I can’t do that to Spencer.

In the minutes he’d been sitting there, he’d read the words 100 times. They would probably be burned into his brain for the rest of time, but when his eyes went back to scan the pages for something, something that maybe he should’ve caught sooner, he heard the door open again. 

With the creak of the door, he placed the journal back in its place and exited their bedroom. “Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, upon seeing her husband’s tear-streaked face. “Why are you crying?” 

He bit his lip, the tears falling into his mouth as he stared wordlessly at his wife. “You…y-you…” 

When she realized why he was crying, the tears welled up in her own eyes. Silently, she buried her head in his chest. “Talk to me,” he breathed. “Please.”

“I want to die and I don’t know why!” she cried out, the realization rumbling through his chest like a freight train. “I have everything I want. Why is this happening to me?” 

“Depression doesn’t make sense,” Spencer said, tightening his grip around his wife’s frame. “It shows up unexpectedly and stays whether you want it to or not. But it doesn’t have to stay. You need help.” His tears puddled in her hair, but he pushed them away as he whispered in her ear. “Will you let me help you?”

She nodded against his chest. “Yes,” she breathed. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he replied, leaning against the wall and gathering her into his lap as he slid to the floor. “I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind, remember? Just let me in.”


End file.
